Ouch

I'm in the middle of making arrangements for my mother's funeral. The actual funeral arrangements are complete, but there's still lots of logistics left to resolve (meal planning, coordinating trips to the airport, accommodations, etc.). However, I just couldn't let this one pass without comment.

HSC releases genital piercing study

A team of researchers at Texas Tech University and the Texas Tech University Health Sciences Center have published research on male genital piercings that casts a new light on the men associated with such piercings.

The online study shows the average male who has a genital piercing is 36 years old, white, has some college education, heterosexual, married or in a monogamous relationship, and reported themselves in excellent health.

Perhaps in excellent health physically, but I'm not too sure about their mental health.

“It’s usually done for sexual stimulation or experimentation, but this is not a flippant decision,” she (Myrna Armstrong, one of the lead researchers) said. “We don’t believe, from our findings, that this is a flippant decision. These people have thought about it for a long time before they made the decision to do it.”

What?!?!? Not a flippant decision? Thought about it for a long time? I'd damn sure wouldn't have to think about it for very long before I decided not to have sharp objects penetrate Hannibal and the Twins.

Because of the deliberate decision making, some men took up to five years to get pierced. Some do it for stimulation or aesthetics, but most wanted to try it and see if it works for them. There are eight types of genital piercings for men and different complications for each.

EIGHT?!?!? The mind boggles. I can't even begin to conceive (pun intended) eight different ways to harpoon my junk. One is too many.

“It’s like when you buy a little red convertible, you’re so proud of it,” Armstrong said. “You take care of it. You wash it and you vacuum it all the time because you’re proud of it and take care of it so well. You’re not going to subject it to a lot of hard work.”

Words fail me. The analogy of a little red convertible fails on so many levels. First of all, it's not little (please allow me some male braggadocio). Second, it's not red (well, not usually). And third, it damn sure isn't convertible. It works one way only - the way God himself intended for it to work.