Sunday Funnies 2016.06.05

I spent most of last week around a bunch of horses. They are among the dumbest animals the Good Lord ever created...

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic

Q: What did the horse say when it fell?
A: "I've fallen and I can't giddyup!"

A pony goes to the doctor and tells him, “Doc, I think I’m dying. I have this terrible sore throat."

The doctor assures him, "It's okay—you’re just a little horse."

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey.”

The horse says, “Buddy—you read my mind!”

Did you hear about the man who was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him?

The doctor described his condition as stable.

A talking horse walks into a bar and approaches the manager. “Excuse me, good sir,” the horse says, “are you hiring?”

The manager looks the horse up and down and says, “Sorry, pal. Why don’t you try the circus?”

The horse nickers. “Why would the circus need a bartender?”

Here's what led to this post. Like I said, I spent the early part of this week up in the Wyoming mountains. Part of the time I was riding horses that hadn't been ridden since last summer - nine months ago. That's an eternity to a horse. They forget all their good habits and pick up a bunch of bad ones. And they do not like being reminded of things like saddles, riders, etc.

So there we were, riding peacefully along a little creek. There were a few small clumps of brush scattered alongside its banks. We'd ridden past several with no problem. Then we approached another one, no different than all the rest. We got up next to it and all of a sudden the lead horse spooked at it.

Well, when one horse spooks, they all do. I was next in line. My horse jumped backwards and sideways. I could handle one or the other, but the combination was a little too much. I ended up leaning way forward and to the left. In fact, I was so far off center that my head was next to the horse's head. I looked like one of those Indians in the old Westerns, leaning off to one side of his mount and firing under the horse's neck.

Still, I could have recovered, except the damn horse decided he didn't like riding cheek to cheek with me. So he started spinning to his right. That put me on the outside of the spin, with centrifugal force urging me away from the horse. I was holding onto the mane with one hand, gripping the reins with the other, and contracting my right leg with all my might to haul me back into the saddle. I think I would have made it, too, except for two things

First, my hamstring cramped. I don't mean I felt a twinge, or it got a little sore. I mean a full blown major cramp so bad that it felt like someone was hammering on it with a baseball bat.

Second, the saddle started to slip. Not much - just a little - but enough to move me even farther to the left, and more off-balance.

At that point I accepted the inevitable, pulled my feet from the stirrups, pushed myself away from the horse, and executed a pretty damn good PLF.

No major damage - just a few minor scrapes and a hamstring that remains tight and sore today (three days later) but is getting better.

The good news is that the horse didn't run off, but hung around to gloat. That made catching him easier, which made it possible to ride back to the barn instead of walking in.

I've jumped, fallen, and been thrown from a horse more than once. That's bad enough. But it's even worse when the damn horse runs back to the barn and you have to walk in. Not that anyone would laugh at you when you finally get there...