Sunday Funnies 2014.03.02

On this date in 1836, Texas declared its independence from Mexico and became the Republic of Texas.

Things haven't been the same since...

Texas Quotes:

"All new states are invested, more or less, by a class of noisy, second-rate men who are always in favor of rash and extreme measures, but Texas was absolutely overrun by such men." -- Sam Houston, President of The Republic of Texas and hero of the revolution

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." -- Butch Hancock, songwriter and singer

"If he was married to Racquel Welch, he'd expect her to cook." -- Dallas Cowboys' quarterback Don Meredith on the perfectionism of his coach, Tom Landry

A Texas State trooper pulled over an old dusty pickup driven by a cowhand from a nearby ranch as he headed east on I-10. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The cowboy replied, "Bout' whut?"

After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed British scientists dug to a depth of 2000 meters, and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read:

"British archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, Texas newspapers reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 5000 meters in West Texas, Texas A&M scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have, therefore, concluded that 5000 years ago Texas inhabitants were already using wireless technology."

A Californian, a Texan, and a New Yorker, attending a convention in a little town just outside Las Vegas, were standing in a seedy bar enjoying a few drinks.

The Californian grabbed his wine spritzer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass against the back wall, smashing it to pieces. He told the other startled drinkers that the standard of living was so high in California that they never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the New Yorker finished drinking his Manhattan, and threw his glass against the back wall. He loudly proclaimed that in New York not only were they all are rich from banking and imports, he too never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Texan drank his beer, drew a revolver, and shot the Californian and the New Yorker. As he was returning the gun to his holster, he told the wide-eyed bartender that in Dallas they had so many New Yorkers and Californians that they never had to drink with the same ones twice.

Q:  What's the real difference between a Yankee Zoo and a Texas Zoo?

A:  On the cage, a Yankee Zoo will have the common name of the animal and then the scientific name in Latin. A Texas Zoo will have the common name of the animal and the recipe.

Only in Texas: